Most of us have expectations, we have been brought up in a society which suggests they are healthy and useful. But everyone knows someone who comes across as entitled, and this is just the expression of those expectations. Most narcissistic behaviour is based upon Expectations. Every should you ever experience is someone else’s expectation, its a form of coercion, manipulation, to make you dance to a tune not your own.

I provide couples therapy as part of my private practice. I wish I had £10 for every time I was told that expectations are necessary and that relationships wont work without them. Yet, the reality is that relationship fail because of them.

So here’s the premise. If you expect someone to be something or do something they are not comfortable doing, then its unhealthy. The boundary between healthy and unhealthy is again consent. Think of all expectations in exactly the same way you would sex. If there is no consent then it ain’t happening. And, if someone changes their mind at any point, then its not happening. Their life, their choice. Anything else is objectification.

If you require someone to be a certain way or to behave a certain way, in order for you to not feel insecure, then by all means have the conversation, but be aware, we don’t get to control other people. If they don’t want to change then you have to find a relationship that works for you, not expect the other to change for you. You cant be limiting others in order to feel secure.

How about cleaning the house? If my partner says “I’m going have a good clean up today as I’m off and you are at work.” that looks like they are agreeing to something they want to do. But if I come back and there is nothing done, I have no right to be angry, there can be no retaliation. If I am angry because nothing was done it is only because of my expectations. They get between me and my partner and stop me seeing them clearly. In that moment I will see them as a means to an end, not the end in themselves. It is there life, if they choose not to tidy up, that’s up to them. If they decide to go out for the day, that is up to them. If they are ill, or depressed, I have no right to expect anything.

So can I expect respect? Well no not really, and here is the thing, if it is unhealthy, it is down to you to express your disappointment, and leave. Find someone who does offer you the respect you deserve.

Respect given because is it expected is not respect at all, it is sycophancy at best. Cleaning up because someone else expects it will only generate resentment at what is actually coercion. So, now I know someone amongst you is saying, but we must clear up, so we don’t live in squalor. And rightly so, if that’s is what you need then that is what you need, but don’t expect it of someone who doesn’t know what self care is. Its not your job to educate them either, find someone more on your level, change yourself, your own circumstance.

If my partner wants to smoke and I don’t like it, I can not expect them to give up just because it seems healthy to me. But I don’t have to stay either.

If my partner stops washing, then I can and will challenge that, and with some concern. But should she wish to continue not washing and I don’t like it, I can not expect her to wash. This goes for literally anything, any behaviour (inside the law) which is not harmful. Harmful behaviours fall into a different category, but we can discuss that another time.

So, I challenge you to look at your own expectations, examine them and see if they are justified, explore why you imagine they are and see if you can let them go.

Imagine a world in which there are no expectations! Imagine if you could be authentically you without having to live up to someone else’s ideal of what you should be! And understand that every time you do, you are self objectifying.